One month home.....I cannot begin to recount to you the full experience of this past month...there were sleepless nights, up at 3 am with a child who thinks it is morning, up at 2 am with a crying grieving child...there were tantrums, crying and yet....among the heartache and sleepless nights there was joy, laughter, and happiness. The emotions of this month have been beyond any I have ever experienced before in my life.
Amongst the sleepless nights and constant and relentless care of a six year old orphan who is developmentally more like a two year old I felt that I was cracking under the pressure.....My life was not the same. I found myself wracked with guilt as I grieved the loss of the life I had before....my life was easy, I spent my days easily cleaning the house and could come and go whenever I pleased.....my life profoundly changed on Aug. 29th, it was a day I had waited for, but it brought with it profound changes that left me grieving a little for what I had before......
Life is not meant to be lived for yourself
Today as I was sitting at the counter while little Miss was eating her breakfast I opened the Ensign and began to read.....the answer to my pleading prayers was found within the words of the short article....
A story of Parley P. Pratt profoundly affected me.. he had been imprisoned in a hotel, sleeping on hard floors in the freezing winter months and during the night he managed to escape. He found himself trudging through a winter storm, the snow covering his tracks and the snow covered trees concealing him.....he stood in that freezing storm contemplating the choices that lay before him. He could continue on to freedom back to his family, or he could turn back and face imprisonment and accusations of high crimes with his friends he had left behind...
The Scripture in Mark 8:35 which reads, "He that seeks to save his own life shall lose it, but he that loses his life for my sake shall find it..."
The words of that scripture sank deep into my heart...that moment I chose to accept God's will in my life to provide a home for a little orphan girl, I chose to lose my life in the service of God, in the service of someone in need. Where was my heart now...looking back, seeking to 'save' my life of ease and comfort...that is not where God had called me to be, I must lose my life in the service God had called me to and in doing so I would find life, life eternal.
And the answers continued to come....
Sitting in sacrament meeting today, listening to the speaker talk about service and that a life without purpose has no meaning...he also read the scripture in Mark 8:35 and then he detailed President Hinckley's story as he had been on his mission for several months and wrote home to his parents saying he felt he was wasting his time and his family's money as the people did not want to hear his message. His fathers response really struck me....."Forget yourself and Go to work"
I felt it pierce my heart, I knew that I needed to forget myself, stop looking back at the past and get to work. You have a work to do, it isn't easy, but it will be worth it. I prayed this morning that God would help me be able to see others as he sees them....and it was answered as I looked at this sweet little girl God has entrusted to me and I saw what he had called me to do, to love her.
and here I sit....being chastened and called to become a better version of myself.
Adoption shines a light on weakness
Through this adoption every weakness within me has painfully been brought to my attention, every ounce of impatience, selfishness, ungratefulness....every part of me I wish I could sweep under a rug and never have to face......and yet God never intended to leave me the way I am. Through this adoption, my life is being changed and unfortunately with this kind of profound change comes pain....it is HARD!!! It isn't easy, every moment of every day, all my time and attention is demanded....I am preparing food, she doesn't like that food so I am preparing more food, changing clothes, changing soiled bedding, sweeping the floor for the 100th time today.......it is a thankless job and yet, I would not be anywhere other than where I am...God is changing who I was into something much greater...
Videos and Pictures of the Last month home
We took her to Cornbellys...she LOVED the tater tots and kept asking for 'More tater tots pwease" She was very overwhelmed...she did not enjoy playing in the dried corn, and did not like the bouncy houses and so we let her ride on the 'horsey' or Qi ma and she enjoyed that.
She LOVES to copy everything we say....one evening she had been playing with one of my solar patio lights and she dropped it and the top came off...she calls out Zhao Dao (find) and I say 'Oh crap' as I notice it broke and of course our little parrot as we call her says.... 'oh crap' Kenzi and I laughed so hard and so she continued saying oh crap, oh crap..... thank heavens she has not said that again...I must watch my language
She has begun having conversations with herself mimicking the conversations we have with her...it is so funny!
Example: "Zhao Dao" (find) "Say, help me please" "Help me please" "Good job"
This is the conversation we have every time she drops a toy which is like 10 million times a day...or maybe I am exaggerating..but only a little :-) She says in Mandarin "zhao dao" (find) and I remind her to ask for help please, then she says, help me please, I tap on the floor where the toy is until she comes and finds it and then I tell her good job. She has this conversation with herself when she is laying on the floor or jumping around in circles....
Kenzi taught little miss to say "David Archuleta is Bae" so everytime she talks about buying David Archuleta tickets little miss promptly yells, David Archuletta is Bae...we all laugh and she keeps repeating it..
We took her to get ice cream a couple times after swinging at the park and now every time she finishes swinging she yells....Isu Crea....Ice cream! Now, she expects ice cream after swinging..
Last night she was laying on her trampoline giggling while daddy and brother were watching the college football game and then she stands up and says, I pizza pwease.... she remembered that last time we watched football she got to have pizza...she is a smart little one.
**If you want to follow our journey I post all the videos and pictures and little funny moments on my facebook wall.....